Sleepless

It feels like yesterday that I wrote the previous post. I remember exactly why I took the self-declared holiday, and I know exactly how it feels to eat terribly unhealthy food, fall asleep in the middle of books, have work to do but not doing it immediately. And there are still too many weddings to attend. I have already missed a few weddings this year because I just didn't feel up to going alone and socialising with people I have not met in years.

I am still up at the unearthly hour of 3am because I can't sleep. Again. I know why I am still up, because it happened before, about three years ago, and about six years ago. I'm not waking up in the middle of the night because I have learnt to cope with work stress. Now, I just can't sleep. I just spent the past couple of hours clearing out the junk in my email inboxes. I have approximately 3,500 to 4,000 emails in each gmail account, and it's quite interesting to see what I used to send out or receive. I hardly get personal emails these days.

I also went to look at an old blog of someone I used to know. The whole point of the blog and the whole point of this blog was to communicate with one another in a remote way. We grow up, we grow apart, we move on. I had thought about meeting up some time this year, but it's better this way.

And you, congratulations. You owe me an angbao.


This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight.
This is the last time I will fall into a place that fails us all inside.
Well, I can see the pain in you, and I can see the love in you.
Fighting all the demons will take time, it will take time...

New interface?

You don't write for more than a year, and Google/Blogger/YouTube starts changing everything to look exactly like Google+. This huge white space for writing is a little intimidating. What if people didn't have that much to say? And guess what, Chrome told me that "Youtube" should be spelt as "YouTube". And I'm not sure why "spelt" is incorrect?

The years pass by so fast, and everyone's going "Wow! It's December!". I knew the years were going to whiz by, so I'm not surprised it's December again. There are only three months in the year that I dislike, and they are April, September and December. April, because you're a third through the year, there are too many things to do, and the rest of the year looks like it's never going to happen. September, because it's memory month and growing older month, and wake me up when September ends, okay? December, because it marks the end of yet another disappointing year with no one to spend the holidays with, and there is no work to lose myself into.

And I am awake at the alarming hour of 1am because I slept too much during the day. Fat, and fatter I will grow, if all I do is cook lousy meals (read: instant noodles) and read books and fall asleep in the middle of them. Actually, I do have work to do, just that I've declared a personal, away-from-work holiday for these four days (yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after). Haven't left the house in two days, except to feed the cat and dinner last night with company that brought me home in 45 minutes.

Guess what, too many weddings to go to, once again. When will this horrible cycle end!! Weddings -> Baby showers -> Weddings -> ad nauseum. There's nothing like weddings to make you feel hyper-single. I've decided that I will not go for weddings unless there's someone I know.

I wonder who reads this, anyway?

imagine that!

Imagine that, she is actually correct! Met up with her earlier this year over lunch and chatted about her marriage and my lack of one. She reassured me that I'm going to find someone who's like me, someone who works too much and has no time to do anything else (and all the time in the world to wander around aimlessly). I apologise now, because I pooh-poohed her insistence that there's gotta be someone out there too and that it's just a matter of time.

Well, imagine that, she's actually right.

There are only two phrases for this situation: "already attached" and "emotionally unavailable".

Imagine that!

so what?

If you're gonna trip, then you better make sure the fall is worth it. After weeks of tripping, I finally stumbled today. Not too much harm done, considering how I've learnt to be a little bit more careful about tripping.

Silly! Always, always know what you are tripping over!

And then there are people, whom you think are friends, but really, aren't. For example, it was a simple piece of information about the trip. Large, vague question, but as it turns out, either said friend didn't want to help, or just didn't understand why it was important. Would it kill you? Maybe friend just didn't care. Well, so be it. I guess it makes a lot of sense now why I stayed away when said friend had issues.

There's gotta be a point when you've gotta stop talking and start listening.

And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon too, I suppose.

living vs. existing

As I was whining about going for training on Friday (haha what's new?), my beloved and most esteemed Der said to me, "Why don't you do something that you like??" That was a tough question to answer, because as you know there are times when you love something very much but still have no desire for it. Such as training. I was whining because I was so tired from lack of good proper rest (MSN is a curse sometimes, I tell ya) and that I was out like a light for a good forty-five minutes that same afternoon.

I do not remember my witty reply to her, but I'm sure it was witty anyway. She responded, "BABE," she said forcefully, "You need to do something that you WANT to do, not something just to fill up your time." Then she reiterated something about happiness and satisfaction in life.

Sometimes I think Der has really good insights about me. I'm just passing time, for...? I don't know what for, but I know that I need my time filled up so that I don't have spare/free time to do/think/act nonsensically. Does that even make sense?

Anyway.

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Item of interest: can of potato chips I bought a while back. Der asked if she could have some, and being my usual selfish self, I replied, "Not in a million years." She took it anyway (annoying!) and peered at the label. "What is this? Extreme Cheddar." She paused as she took a bite, then glanced over at me. "I bet you bought it cos it looks different, right?!"

Guilty as charged.

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Facebook is a great stalking platform. Just have to repeat what millions of other more astute users have concluded already.

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And what's a blog post without a youtube video??


I'm checking in to rehab cos everything that we had didn't mean a thing to you.

lots of youtube videos - go crazy!

Some songs that I won't be able listen to again for a very long time:

1.


There's a cover by the Pussycat Dolls. Do you call it a cover version? Or is it just another version of the song? Anyway.

2.


FloRiDa is such a punk name k. I always thought it was Flow Rider. The lyrics are damn funky though. I don't really think it's the 'offical lyrics' as it claims.

3.


I think Der knows this song quite well now, considering how I kept looping it. Hehe.

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And these two songs keep looping in my head. Am trying to pick out Therapy on the piano now. Haha. Obviously I'll get bored with it after a while.


Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to;
They're better off without you.
Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you're supposed to;
They'll fall asleep without you.
You're lucky if your memory remains.

Honestly, I have yet to sit down and watch the mtv for this song:


I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best.


And that's all, folks.

taylor swift - breathe

To quote Taylor Swift at the start of the following video, this is a "sad break-up song".



I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cos none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people and sometimes we change our minds,
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie.
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see,
Cos it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
And I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, never easy,
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know,
Like the back of my hand.

And I can't breathe without you,
But I have to
Breathe without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt.
Every bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.
Nothing we say is going to save us from the fallout.

It's 2am, feeling like I just lost a friend,
Hope you know it's not easy,
Not easy for me.
It's 2am, feeling like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain't easy,
Easy for me.

And we know it's never simple, never easy,
Never a clean break, no one here to save me...


Hmm how do you forget an entire country because of one person? How do you stop yourself from reacting whenever someone mentions a particular singer?